RELATIONSHIP AFFAIRS: 'I'm In Love With, And Want To Marry My Teacher, Is It Right'?
Dear Thelma,
I am a 23-year-old who is working as a physical trainer. I met my lecturer, Z, four years ago. She was such a fun, loving and caring lecturer that the whole class loved her. She treated us with respect, and in turn the students loved to confide in her. Z resigned from her job in 2012, and I did not keep in touch with her.
A few months ago, I met Z again and was delighted to see her. However, I was shocked to learn that she has been divorced for a year. She has no kids. Her husband is a serial philanderer, although she was there for him through thick and thin. She was in tears when she shared her story with me.
Recently, I met up with Z as I needed her help with some academic issues; I am now a sports trainer with an international school. We had a lot to share and I got to know Z on a more personal note.
Z always motivates me. She is simple and humble, and her loving and caring attitude drew me to her. I made her laugh with my jokes, hoping to soothe her broken heart.
I met Z at a shopping mall recently, and my heart started to beat faster each time I looked into her eyes. Z is a very simple and below average looking person (she wears no make-up at all) but it doesn’t matter. I am madly in love with her. I am a very good-looking guy and had several relationships before this. Though the girls looked like supermodels, none of them could make me feel the way Z does. She means the world to me. This is not infatuation; I am very mature for my age, and I know my feelings for her are true.
When I asked Z if she had ever thought of remarrying, she replied with a firm “NO”. She said she wanted to focus on her career. She loves teaching.
Z is 10 years older than me but I am not bothered about the big age gap. I just want to care for her and make her happy.
I am of mixed parentage, and my mum is very open-minded. I told my mum about my feelings for Z, and she said it’s my choice. She just wants me to be happy. I have not spoken to my dad about it, but I know he will respect my decision.
Is it taboo for a person to marry his ex-lecturer? I know Z may not agree with this, but I want to prove to her that I love her dearly. We are of different faiths. If religion is an issue here, I am willing to migrate to another country where both of us can practise our religion freely.
I can’t eat, sleep or concentrate on my work. She is on my mind day and night. I just want to hold her hand, hug her, and tell her that I love her with all my heart, and want to spend the rest of my life with her. What should I do now? – So in love
Dear So in love,
To put your mind at ease, no it is not a sin to fall in love with one’s former lecturer. It has been a long time since your student-teacher relationship ended. You are now more like colleagues; both of you are in the same profession. You are an adult and can judge this relationship for yourself. However, you may be jumping the gun just a little bit.
You don’t even know how she feels about you and the feelings you have developed for her. Yet, you are already thinking about marriage and the rest. This is the real issue that you have to deal with now. You have to know if she feels the same way about you, or if she even wants to pursue a relationship with you. Not marriage. Not a life together. A relationship first.
Yes, there are issues with your potential relationship. For starters, your age and your history as teacher and student. People may find it a bit weird, but if the two of you are invested in the relationship, then what others think should not matter.
The second issue would be the fact that the two of you have different religious beliefs. In Malaysia, one has to face the fact that a Muslim can only marry another person of the same faith. This means that if she wants to marry you, presumably after an appropriate period of courtship where you both get a chance to know each other, she will have to convert to your religion. This is not an easy task for some people. Religion is not just about belief or one’s relationship with God. It is also about connecting to the past and one’s heritage. It is about family and history. Some people place a lot of meaning on these things.
Of course, there are options. These options also have their pros and cons. Hence, any decision can only be made after you have discussed these things with her.
Here you are making the same mistake as before – jumping the gun. So, you don’t know how she feels about you. What you feel for her is real; you just don’t know if it will last the course.
Love is not something you fall into. Love is something you do. Right now, you have fallen in love with her. Time will tell if you can continue to be in love with her. You know you can continue to love someone when the giddiness of falling in love has passed and you can still feel the same, if not more, about the other person.
You will only know this after a few months of being together. You will know this when you see the other person with all their flaws and you can show them yours. This does not mean seeing them without make-up. It’s about seeing them as people – and people are fragile and flawed beings.
She was married and is now divorced. She may have her own views about marriage and relationships. She has already expressed to you that she is not interested in a relationship.
You, on the other hand, have never been in a real relationship. This may be your first. You have no idea what to expect or anticipate. Rarely, ever, is it like in the movies or romance novels. You also have your assumptions and presumptions based on your previous relationships. The two of you have a lot to work through and talk about. This needs time. Do you see how you have thought a
head a little too far?
You are excited for many reasons. Your heart is telling you that you are in love. It is probably right. But love has to be based in the head as well. Use yours. Slow down. Take your time in getting to know her. Let her get to know you. After the two of you know for sure, then you can think about all the other things which are very important.
Long lasting love is something that needs time and investment of the self. It is a hard task. It requires work, perseverance and faith from both of you. So go ahead and ask her first. You probably know that it is a risk worth taking. – Thelma
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