The Arena With Viola: An Open Letter To Nigeria's Tear Rubber Noisemakers

 

Dear Noisemakers Ministers,

 

Now that you have been given portfolios and despatched into the world to go and preach the gospel (or make as much noise as you would like to, remember no-one least of all the one who appointed you, is expecting you to do any work, that is why there are civil servants in your various ministries), permit me to offer my undiluted congratulations first of all.

 

It is not easy to be found spotless in a country as “corruption filled” by the President’s own admittance, as Nigeria. To have been singled out and identified for canonization is no mean feat. Welcome into the realm of saints and angels *adjusts halo*.

 

Just to ensure your work runs smoothly, I’d like to give a few of you some pointers on how to discharge your job functions and avoid any banana peels that might have been left carelessly all over the place for you to slip and break your pristine reputations.

 

• Noisemaker Chibuike Rotimi Amaechi, they say you never get a second chance to make a first impression but that is because “they” have never come in contact with an enigma like you. Some other person would never have landed the Minister of Transport, but you did. A definite sign from the gods that someone somewhere is cracking palm kernels for you.

 

Biko, jettison the idea of completing Jonathan’s rails like you have been touting all over the place, first go down to the state you just left in ruins and go and complete the Mumu Rail to nowhere you left hanging in the air. People have long suspected broom carriers of being witches and wizards. When you spend all that billions of dollars building 2 kms of NoNo rails that terminates abruptly, you lend credence to the suspicion that that is the Launchpad for the flight of the witches.

 

You have been given a second chance oga, complete your MumuRail. 

 

And since you have admitted to have absolutely no idea whatsoever what the word “bribery” means, try to deliver the complete rail in record time and as much under budget as you can possibly swing.

 

• Noisemaker Babatunde Raji Fashola, how do I say this now without your picking offence? Okay, listen and listen carefully.

 

The trio of Works, Housing and power already have websites. 

 

Apparently, you are Hercules and your shoulders have been considered broad enough to shoulder the responsibility of three ministries rolled in one. While we are at that, we will overlook the fact that a large percentage of Lagos from where you just recently escaped have been living in total darkness, in just 6 months you will bring government fire into every house in Nigeria. What you could not do in Lagos with 8 years, you will do in Nigeria in 6 months.

 

Stay away from websites though, the ministries already have some and like them just the way they are – thank you very much.

 

Also, boreholes. No! *slaps fashola’s wrist* stay away from boreholes. Or else you can consider a tradeoff with your colleaguye in water resources. He constructs the boreholes for you, and you give them power for the duration of your tenor.

 

Whatever else you do, do not sign any cheques. I repeat – DO NOT SIGN ANY CHEQUES!

 

We don’t want pigs fighting in Abuja too.

 

• Noisemaker Lai Mohammed, what is in a name? Well, looking at your looooong history of undiluted propaganda, I would say an amazing darn lot.

 

Please before you assume duties, can you please in the interest of the Nation consider a name change? You can try “Truth Mohammed”, “Information You Can Trust Mohammed”, or “No Pinocchio Mohammed”.

 

I am sincerely scared stiff that with your resumption, there would be a new signpost in front of the ministry saying, “Welcome to Nigeria’s Ministry of Disinformation, Malinformation and Misinformation. Another hastily created three in one ministry where the truth is just a suggestion around which we weave an intricate web of half-truths and whole lies. Please take all releases from this Ministry with a pinch of salt, a barrel of salt. We are only going to manage straining diplomatic relations by the skin of our teeth and do not take us seriously because most times, we would be speaking tongue in cheek”.

 

What am I trying to say Sir, in a nutshell, elections are over.

 

Reserve your armoury of lies and propaganda for the run up to the 2019 elections; you would need them more than Ijebu garri needs water and a roomy bowl in which to do its thing.

 

For now, you represent Nigeria. 

 

The first time you tell the truth, you might experience a little shock around the heart region. That is your body reacting to you acting completely out of character, but do not be afraid and do not despair, stick to it. It will get better with time and slowly, you will wean yourself off non-truths and certified lies and find that telling the truth at all times would begin to come naturally to you.

 

But first, consider the name change.

 

Trust me on this.

 

#NgwaBye…