The Arena With Viola: DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES

 

Yes, the title of this piece is in screaming capitals because it has suddenly occured to me that we do not realise how desperate things are for us in this country now.

 

We seem to still think it is business as usual and that is why we will yab the distinguished afro bob wearing senator for suggesting that cats should be bred to contain the lassa fever outbreak.

 

Let me give you small jist, I was passing through a part of town the other day and saw a roadside trader in tiger nuts come out of his shop with a shovel full of dead rats. He walked into the road and dumped the dead rats in the median (central divide) and went back to his shop. We were in a bit of hold up, so I continued looking and saw him drop the shovel, then perform the basic hygiene exercise of just merely clapping his hands against each other, rubbing them against his trousers and then returning to the task of wrapping up his tiger nuts.

 

Man must wack.

 

Rats too must wack.

 

Rats like tiger nuts…

 

… and yam.

 

… and smoked fish.

 

… and sweet potatoes.

 

… and the taste of brand new suits hanging in your wardrobe.

 

… and doors.

 

Rats are everywhere and sadly, they cheerfully distribute the lassa fever virus with their droppings and secretions and trust me, clapping off your hands after handling dead rats is not sufficiently sufficient hygiene. It is borderline foolishness in these times but don't worry, Senator Shehu Sani has got your back.

 

I would have thought they would have suggested something like taking about N794.9m from the N795m the new Minister of Solid Minerals plans to use to build a website; and conducting nationwide fumugation of slums and rural areas. As in kill the rats off one hand – but no.

 

Breeding cats is a better alternative.

 

Surely the President does not eat that much. Plus his religion has regular fasting sessions where they go for as long as 40 days with reduced meals. Then sometimes he travels which means the Aso Rock kitchen would not need to prepare such sumptuous feasts to impress him since we were given the impression he only sniffs at food or eats dates or drinks satchet milo.

 

Surely we don't need to buy N1bn worth of satchet milo in a year do we?

 

So why not reduce the presidential feeding costs and use the money skimmed off that to conduct nationwide enlightenment campaigns on basic hygiene and safety measures – I don't think clapping your hands off and then wiping them on your trousers is one of them though.

 

The reasonable ways to find funds to combat lassa fever abound, but these are DESPERATE TIMES. That require DESPERATE MEASURES.

 

So, breed cats.

 

Which I guess are meant to eat the lassa fever vectors, or are they just meant to kill them so we can scoop them off with a shovel and dump them in the middle of the road? *scratching my head*.

 

Anyway, cat come in contact with rat's body fluids, probably gets infected. Rats eat your food and go away, cats will bite, scratch and even spit at you.

 

Lassa fever spreads faster via bigger and more domestically accepted vectors…

 

DESPERATE SOLUTION: Breed more dogs.

 

Dogs eat infected cats, rabid dogs roaming the whole place with lassa fever thrown into the mix.

 

DESPERATE SOLUTION: Breed hyenas.

 

Please note that at this point, background music to this unique ans desperate lassa fever fighting tactic should be:

 

I know an old woman who swallowed a fly

I don't know why, she swallowed the fly

Perhaps she'll die …

 

I know an old woman who swallowed a spider that wriggled and wriggled and wriggled inside her

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly

I don't know why she swallowed the fly

Perhaps she'll die….

 

And so on and so on…

 

Oh wait, I have a desperate solution for the LASTMA scourge currently sweeping through Lagos: Breed more armed robbers.

 

#OKBye…

 

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