The Arena With Viola: #ZombieJollof

By
Femi Adeoya
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Every woman has had one kitchen accident or the other, some do know how to turn their accidents into "every mistake in London is a style in Nigeria", some don't. Usually, depending on the gravity of your kitchen mistakes, the consequences could live on long after the food has found its way to the bottom of the soakaway pit.
 
I for instance, avoid salt and only add it in needed quantities at the tail end of every culinary… emm, emm, maybe we should just call it "experiment". My brother calls it "weapons of biological warfare", but I think he is just jealous of my kitchen skills.
 
So, imagine my consternation when I tasted a pot of okro soup and discovered what I had added in, was sugar and not salt. Pot of soup ruined, thrown down the drain and the idea of eating soup shifted to another week entirely.
 
Some kitchen mistakes can not be THAT easily discarded, especially when you are cooking for a large group and for a large group of hungry social media influencers, a lot of whom had hitherto been surviving on the taste of their tears while weeping over wicked cyber insults from wicked keyboard warriors across the divide.
 
 
 
 
So like in the sugar instead of salt situation, you may sometimes reach for thyme… but end up sprinkling a generous helping of marijuana on the food. Salvageable though, all it means is that you have served #ZombieJollof rather than plain, good old, jollof rice.
 
The after effects of consuming copious amounts of zombie jollof begin to manifest anytime from 3 days to weeks after initial contact. Here are some things to look out for as evidence that somewhere near you resides a #ZombieJollofEater.
 
1. Over 2000 Nigerians lose their jobs over the holiday season. Let's be conservative and say at least 50% of them voted the way you did in the last elections – in real life and extrapolating from the election result trends, that should be more like 65 – 70%.
 
A zombie jollof eater activates his "jump and pass" buttons on hearing that news. He suddenly starts punditing football.
 
Let him hear however that a lawyer has petitioned the USA to intervene in the flagrant disregard of court orders by Saint Buhari, and he would spring into action, pushing a counter PETITION in SUPPORT of the President.
 
How ignorantly cute…
 
2. A zombie jollof eater is unscrupulous with newslinks. He will believe any and every source provided the trigger words are there…
 
"GEJ said…"
"GEJ accused of…"
"PDP did…"
"Olisa Metuh went to…".
 
Even when you plead with them to quit disgracing whatever little education they might have acquired with their Baba Sala grade reasoning, they continue to revel and wallow in baseless sensations fuelled by the fantasies of the originators.
 
Until you say, "Do you know Buhari is married to Aisha and their daughter is Zahra".
 
The zombie jollof eater would immediately begin to yell for link, source (not maggi sauce o), video evidence, etc. Apparently the presence of zombie jollof trips off the brain section responsible for rational thinking.
 
3. The Naira is marching a lonesome route downhill. Very soon, we will need a wheelbarrow full of naira to purchase a bag of pure water. Nigerians abroad can no longer use epayment channels, unemployment is on the rise, economy is fast depleting, fuel prices have stubbornly remained stagnant even while crude prices drop daily – here, you can have your 50kobo change back.
 
But even though the zombie jollof eater groans under the weight of the evidence of inept and clueless handling of the economy, they plan to organise a 9 million man march to urge the president to "go harder".
 
Loyalty to their bellies first.
 
The examples are almost inexhaustible with new symptoms manifesting daily but not to despair though, Zombie jollof rice eaters are easy to pick out in a crowd. They have lost all sense of logic and reasoning and only live for their nuisance allowance which enables them come online to harrass and insult others.
 
Look for one around you today and give them a hug, then study their moves closely as definite grounds for refusal of marijuana laced zombie jollof rice whenever it shows up.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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